Let’s talk about basic decency—the very foundation of how humans should treat each other. It’s really wild how, in 2025, this is still up for debate, but here we are.
Women still find themselves expected, and sometimes demanded, to praise men for showing the bare minimum of respectful, non-abusive behavior—as if doing what should be normal is an act of heroism.
It’s as if not being awful to women is a charitable “favor” that earns a standing ovation.
Let’s be honest- basic decency isn’t medal-worthy. It’s time we burn this toxic script and build something better.
The Low Bar of Basic Decency
There’s a suffocating cultural narrative that men should be rewarded for simply not being atrocious.
When a man doesn’t harass, doesn’t demean, doesn’t belittle, he’s often hoisted onto a pedestal as if he’s done something revolutionary.
How did we get here?
Why do women still feel pressure—pressure from men, from media, from well-meaning family members—to act grateful when the men in their lives deliver basic decency?
The answer, in short, is centuries of patriarchy doing what it does best- manufacturing low expectations for itself, and sky-high performance for women.
Basic decency, in this framework, becomes a gift rather than a given.
For generations, praise was extracted from women—forced smiles, over-enthusiastic thank yous, applause for “not all men” and their supposedly rare acts of unremarkable respect.
It’s time to let that go.
Respect Isn’t Revolutionary—It’s Required
Basic decency isn’t special. It’s not rare. It shouldn’t be- it should be the ground floor, the true entry ticket to any interaction.
Imagine having to pat someone on the back for not kicking you in the shin, or for not stealing your wallet. Sounds absurd, right?
But when women are expected to cheer men on for not catcalling, not stalking, not threatening—whether online or on the street—that’s exactly what’s happening.
Part of the problem is that men are often socialized to see themselves as the protagonists—the main characters in everyone’s story.
When they do something basic, like listen without interrupting or respect a boundary, they may see themselves as virtuous.
But women know better. Women know that real respect doesn’t ask for applause—it just is.
Compliance Is Not Consent
Applauding basic decency has another dark side, especially for women. Praising ordinary behavior, there’s a subtle implication that anything less than basic decency is somehow normal—or that mistreatment is the true baseline, and decency rare.
That coerces compliance. Women may feel trapped, pressured to quietly accept or brush off anything that isn’t outright abusive as “not so bad.”
It makes it harder for women to name and challenge the real harms they face.
Is it any wonder so many women become exhausted, burned out by the emotional labor of placating male egos, curating their own reactions, and doling out affirmations for every basic gesture?
How many times have you heard, “At least he’s not like other men!” or “Give him a chance, he’s not that bad!”
These statements reveal an unspoken contract- accept the minimum, reward the minimum—or face backlash, loneliness, or retribution for setting higher standards.
Male Approval Is Not the Metric
The world tells women that their worth is measured by what men think of them, as if the end goal of any act of self-worth or happiness is, ultimately, male approval.
But this is a dead end. Chasing validation from men for giving us what we are already entitled to—a bare minimum of basic decency—only reinforces the old, tired structures of misogyny that benefit no one.
Women, particularly those of us who are queer, of color, trans, or otherwise marginalized, know all too well the cost of living under constant surveillance for men’s approval.
Every deviation from the grateful, smiling script risks isolation, scorn, or outright danger.
But let’s be bold: opting out of applauding basic decency is a radical, necessary act. It is a stand for our own dignity, not an attack on anybody else.
No Medals for Doing What’s Right
Let’s be clear, refusing to shower men with applause for basic decency isn’t bitterness, rudeness, or antagonism.
It’s boundaries. It’s self-respect. The truth is, anyone insisting on a ticker-tape parade for treating others with decency is showing their entitlement.
They’re not interested in being a good person—they want power, they want recognition, they want women to be smaller so they can feel bigger. Well, no thanks.
It is no one’s duty—especially not women’s—to perform gratitude for what’s already expected.
Nobody should have to sacrifice their time, energy, or sense of self just to keep the peace or stroke another man’s ego.
If men truly believe in gender liberation, racial justice, and LGBTQIA2S+ rights, they will show it not by demanding applause, but by centering justice, equity, and radical empathy in their daily behavior—and expecting nothing in return except a fair world for all of us.
Applauding Basic Decency Harms Everyone
Rewarding someone for basic decency is a double-edged sword.
For women, it’s a humiliation ritual, for men, it stunts their growth, keeping them stuck at the most basic emotional and ethical level.
If we keep dishing out gold stars for meeting the lowest standard, there is no incentive for anyone—especially cis men—to examine their biases, challenge their own bad behavior (or the bad behavior of other men), and build the accountability that true justice demands.
It’s the same energy as the “nice guy” myth—the idea that being non-abusive, non-threatening, or even a little friendly means a man is entitled to love, sex, or devotion.
Our collective future depends on rejecting this myth at every turn.
Women, and all marginalized people, deserve more than a system where not being terrible makes someone a hero.
We need a world where basic decency is just the ground floor—not the ceiling.
If you want a laugh and a deeper dive into this, check out Mocking the Myth of the Nice Guy Once and For All, where I absolutely eviscerate the idea that basic decency is extraordinary.
Why Is the Bar So Low?
Let’s be honest about who is setting the bar for basic decency—and why it is stuck to the floor.
Patriarchy, white supremacy, capitalist individualism, and heteronormativity have all worked hand in hand to excuse men from self-reflection and true empathy, especially towards women, Black and Indigenous communities, and queer or gender-diverse people.
When the bar is low, it’s easier to clear it, when it’s that low for centuries, clearing it feels like a big deal for those who set it.
But the truth is, every time the bar is raised, society as a whole becomes freer.
When we demand more—real allyship, anti-racism, actual inclusion, dismantling of harmful hierarchies—we all move closer to collective liberation.
And that can’t happen if we’re stuck clapping every time a man simply acts decent.
The Freedom to Withdraw Our Applause
Claiming our right to not give applause for basic decency is about liberation, not division.
It means prioritizing mental health, preserving emotional energy, and investing in self-worth that does not rise and fall with the whims of men.
Radical self-respect demands clarity. If a man can’t handle not being praised for baseline decency, perhaps he isn’t as decent as he claims.
For anyone struggling with internalized expectations—or feeling guilty about not being more “grateful”—please know that it’s not selfish to protect your energy. It’s survival.
I recently wrote about the ridiculous comedy of men’s “expert” takes—because so often, those takes come wrapped in this same expectation of applause.
If you’re tired of the parade, give yourself permission to step off the float. And if you need that laugh, go read The Unintentional Comedy of Men’s Expert Opinions.
Setting a New Standard for Basic Decency
What happens when we collectively stop rewarding basic decency? Hint: the world doesn’t fall apart. Instead, the conversation changes.
Men who really care about justice don’t disappear—they’re simply challenged to show up differently. We start expecting more, not less.
The party trick of minimal effort loses its shine. We can focus on real partnership, solidarity, and transformation.
Women—especially those who are Black, Indigenous, queer, trans, disabled, or otherwise outside the “mainstream”—have always been the ones pushing for higher standards.
We know that our communities only thrive when the bottom rung is eliminated altogether. This isn’t about punishing men.
It’s about carving out breathing room for all the people who have been expected to play supporting characters in the story of male redemption.
Let’s rewrite the whole damn script.
Accountability and Growth
When basic decency becomes the default, not the exception, everyone benefits.
We create space for accountability, for growth, for people (yes, including men) to move beyond wounded ego and into genuine connection.
Being challenged to do better should not be seen as a personal attack but as an invitation to be part of something more caring, more just, and, frankly, more interesting than patriarchal basics.
Real allyship, anti-racism, support for LGBTQIA2S+ liberation, and dismantling misogyny aren’t achieved by expecting applause for simple acts—they demand honesty, humility, and deep listening.
That’s where the messy, difficult, absolutely essential work begins.
Men who are truly invested in justice must sit with discomfort instead of fleeing from it.
Instead of seeking validation for accomplishing basic decency, real growth means facing up to biases, unlearning privilege, and acting with integrity even when nobody is clapping.
This is the essence of solidarity- showing up for someone else’s joy, pain, anger, and liberation, with no expectation of applause—because it’s simply the right thing to do.
How This Shows Up in Everyday Life
You’re probably all too familiar with the everyday scenarios where applause for basic decency is casually expected.
Maybe it’s the friend who brags about “letting” his girlfriend have her own opinion.
Maybe it’s the coworker who expects congratulations for not making a racist joke in a meeting.
Maybe it’s the neighbor who wants a trophy for not misgendering you at the block party.
These moments add up, and they are not neutral—they are little reminders that the world expects women and marginalized people to endlessly cater to cis men’s need for recognition.
How dare we simply nod and move on, right? But here’s the truth: refusing to perform gratitude for basic decency is not rudeness. It’s self-preservation.
It’s about honoring the fact that your energy is precious and not for sale to the lowest bidder.
When we settle for decorum over true change, everyone loses—especially the most vulnerable in our communities.
The Emotional Labor of Gratitude
Let’s talk about the work women do when we’re expected to continually express gratitude for basic decency.
This is what is called emotional labor—the invisible, unpaid, and too-often undervalued work required to smooth over egos, manage expectations, and keep relationships running.
For many of us—especially Black, Indigenous, and women of color, queer folks, and disabled women—this burden is even heavier, as we are expected to perform double gratitude just to exist in spaces dominated by white, cis maleness.
Society says we have to smile, say “thank you,” and offer endless passes for bad (or just plain mediocre) behavior, lest we be seen as ungrateful, unpleasant, or unfair.
But what if you chose not to?
What if your time, your thank yous, and your applause were reserved for actual effort, genuine allyship, and people who actually make your life bigger, richer, and freer?
Setting boundaries around your emotional labor is not cruel—it’s essential. It’s what allows us to survive and, ultimately, to thrive.
I know this isn’t easy. I dove deeper into these cultural dynamics in my piece about public displays of male insecurity (women tell all).
You may want to check it out if you need validation for opting out of the emotional labor Olympics.
What Happens When We Stop Clapping?
So what actually happens when women stop giving standing ovations for basic decency?
Yes, some men will get mad. Some may pout, protest, or even punish women for “withholding” recognition. That is not your problem.
That is a sign that those men have more work to do—and it’s work nobody else can do for them.
(For more on not making men’s egos your problem, you’ll enjoy Why His Offended Ego Isn’t My Problem Anymore.)
On the other hand, when applause stops, expectations change.
Suddenly, the act of being a basically decent human being is not something to show off—it is just the cost of entry to real connection.
The space women free up by not performing constant gratitude can be re-invested in building real friendships, learning new things, supporting movements, or just existing in peace.
And for men who rise to the challenge, who do the deeper work, who learn to listen and include without needing constant affirmation—there is the gift of genuine partnership and respect.
Not because they demanded it, but because they showed, over and over, that they could meet people as equals and act with integrity even without applause.
The Relation to Childfree Living and Other Choices
If you’re childfree, if you’re queer, if you’re living outside the “approved” box, the demand that you reward basic decency takes on another layer.
You are expected to thank people for “tolerating” your existence, or “accepting” your autonomy, or “supporting” your decisions.
But autonomy is not an inconvenience or an indulgence.
Your identity and choices are yours, and anyone who encounters them owes you nothing except—you guessed it—basic decency.
Don’t let anyone gaslight you into thinking that basic decency towards your identity or life path is a sign of special virtue on their part.
It isn’t. It’s the absolute minimum, and you deserve far, far more.
If you’ve had enough of mediocrity, check out The Art of Not Applauding Mediocre Male Efforts, which unpacks how setting higher standards is a feminist act of love.
Redefining What Deserves Applause
Wouldn’t it be amazing to live in a world where applause went to the right places?
Where we cheered for acts of courage and solidarity, boundary-setting, speaking truth to power, showing up for Black Lives, advocating for transformative change, making workplaces safe, holding toxic systems accountable.
That’s the clap we need—the roar of communal affirmation for real progress, not performative nonsense.
If you’re tired of pretending that basic decency is revolutionary, you aren’t alone.
I write about these intersections in the context of laughable male behavior, including how to laugh off tone-deaf dudes and how to handle male dismissals with ruthless grace.
Give those a read if you could use a little extra validation and camaraderie.
Conclusion: Our Applause Is Ours to Own
At the end of the day, basic decency is just that—basic. It is not a currency to be traded for applause. It’s not a badge of honor.
And it’s certainly not something that should ever be demanded from women or any marginalized person.
The sooner we all stop clapping for bare minimums, the closer we come to real justice, real love, and real community.
Opt out of the gratitude performance. Save your applause for the moments, people, and movements that actually reshape the world. Keep your standards high—not just for the people around you, but for yourself as well.
Because you are worth it. And because, honestly, you have better things to do than throw parades for people just doing what they should.
Let’s talk—What do you think? Do you ever feel pressured to give applause for basic decency? How do you deal with it? Let me know in the comments—your stories matter here! If you love what you read, please help keep this blog going with a donation. Your support means I can keep writing and you can keep getting real, unfiltered truth. Thank you for being part of this space!